Emmetts years of boredom
by ireallylovetwilight
Summary: how does it have to do with playboy, goldfish, soccor, the presedent. what does Emmetts do when he is bored and what does this have to do with other list, R&R and i will write the other list mentioned within this list
1. Chapter 1

**this list is not meant to be mean, it was just meant to be funny. and me and savanaha apoligize for anyone it offends **

**so let the reading commence**

**Disclaimer: i do not own twilight or any of its characters -runs away crying-**

Emmetts years of boredom:

1. Buys an escalader and a slinky, It never ends

2. Tries to tickle himself, "Arg, I can't stop myself"

3. Tries to hypnotize himself, "Oh, shiny"

4. Plays dress-up with Alice, He's hunky for a female

5. Shops with Alice, How do you think he got his big bad biceps?

6. Plots to destroy world, #1: drown everyone in cottage cheese

7. Builds time machine out of cardboard boxes, Alice found a little girl to play dress-up with. He thought it was Alice and screamed

8. Build a clone machine, Tried to take over Europe

9. Create world war III with nuclear bombs, And that's why America thinks that there are weapons of mass destruction

10. Invents toaster strudel, "Someone had to"

11. Recreation of Mount Rushmore on the Rocky Mountains, Fist of fire, Ha

12. Went swimming in the ocean, Who do you think caused Hurricane Katrina, God?

13. Went to Mars, No one found any life because Emmett was there

14. Joined NBA, Schooled all them suckers

15. Kicked out of NBA, To many gym floor repairs

16. Arm wrestling match with principle, We hope he's in a better place

17. Tried to become a priest, The church burnt down

18. Plays jump rope, Earthquakes come from where?

19. Created a steel skateboard, Wood ones are like paper

20. Tried to count to infinity, Lost count at 20, every time

21. Jumped into a volcano, And Hawaii was formed

22. Watching the clock tick, It was smashed against the wall

23. Played soccer, I've never seen a decapitated goalie

24. Tried to find identical snowflakes, Got mad, and global warming started

25. Tried to reverse time by running around Earth, Hence forth time moving forward

26. Tried to be king, Became the 24th president

27. A Jew looked at Rosalie, he became envious, Who else could Hitler be?

28. Tried to taste the rainbow, Skittles got to him

29. Tried to find a pot of gold, And you wonder how midgets were created

**A/N me and Savanaha came up with the idea for this list when we were in Geometry. seeing as we sit next to each other we talk alot and we came up with ideas of what Emmett has done when he was bored and so this list came into excistence**

**and for those of you that have never read any of my fan fiction before, Savanaha is one of my friends and she is the co-author of this list**

**please reveiw for i love reviews. if you dont send reveiws then i will be sad and i dont wanna be sad**


	2. Chapter 2

**ya i updated twice in one day, and happy valentines day, anyway this is the same as the last chapter in the fact that it is just meant to be funny, again me and Savanaha are sorry if we affend you**

**Disclaimer: i own twilight (the book and the soundtrack and i will own the movie) but i dont own the copyright to it so im gonna go cry**

30. Went cliff diving, The aftershock, a tsunami

31. Puts himself in a strait jacket, Spent hours trying to get out

32. Tried to go to sleep, Even though vampires can't

33. Create a list of blonde jokes, Rosalie found it

34. Collected belly button lint, Cops got called because he did it in the middle of the night

35. Had pet dust bunnies, Esme vacuumed

36. Bought Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka drove Rosalie crazy, she killed Wonka

37. Created a charity for Oompa Lumpa's, Over 4 million dollars collected

38. Changed Elvis into a vampire

39. Got married in Vegas, Rosalie wasn't happy when she saw him with Elvis

40. Posed for Playboy, Rosalie saw it when buying fashion magazines

41. Became a professional strip poker player, How do you think he met Hugh Hefner?

42. Became Hugh Hefner's girlfriend

43. Bought Antarctica for Rosalie, Rosalie was jealous because Esme had Isle Esme

44. Tried to burn all of Alice's clothes, She almost killed him

45. to get pregnant

46. Signed Edward up for dating service, Didn't tell Edward about it

47. Went searching for Atlantis, Found it, that's why it's under water

48. Sneaks into homes in the middle of the night, And you wonder where socks go

49. Went to an all-you-can-eat buffet, I feel sorry for the janitor

50. Stole Rosalie's diary

51. Tried to steal Alice's credit cards

52. Was playing matches, Burned house down

53. Looked at a painting for 10 years, Got bored and broke it, it was a missing Van Gogh

54. Got lost in a cornfield, Crop circles?

55. Tried to read his own mind, Got mad because all he heard were crickets chirping

56. Killed a deer, Bambi's mom?

57. Plotted to kill Bella, But decided that she didn't need his help

58. Tried to play Edward's piano, Owed him a new piano

59. Bought an elevator, Tried to use it in one story house

**A/N i will try to update my other stories soon, as in this weekend, and i might try to put up the next chapter of this**

**please review like always**


	3. Chapter 3

**this is meant to be funny and we're sorry for anyone that it offends**

**Dislaimer: do i really have to write this, i dont own twilight or any of its characters**

60. Tried to get revenge on all bears by killing them, Discovered he loved their blood

61. Made an 'I hate vampires' club, They had to move

62. Went on the news and tried to say he was a vampire, Edward and Alice got there in time

63. Watches General Hospital, Fell in love with Luke and Laura

64. Tries to skip school to watch General Hospital, Has to find out who dies when there's a virus

65. Wanted to ask Alice who's going to die on General Hospital, But the commercial says 'God knows how many people will die' **(A/N this is about the biotoxins that resently got released at the hospital)**

66. Tried to drink blood from a human without killing them or changing them, He failed

67. Tried to make a vampire cat, He killed it and had a funeral for it

68. Drove Rosalie's car, She got the red convertible

69. Tried to get into Rosalie's convertible, failed, the roof was down

70. Tried to invade Forks, With forks

71. Went on mass killing spree, Volturi almost killed him

72. Dressed up on costume, Bigfoot was made

73. Dressed up in another costume, Loch Ness Monster was made

74. Tried to wear stilettos, And you wonder what gopher holes are

75. Got sex change, Real name Emmelia

76. Tried to get drunk, By drinking blood of drunk deer

77. Did chicken dance

78. Tried to get a lion and lamb to fall in love, He read Twilight

79. Read New Moon, Cried when Edward left

80. Signed Alice up for therapy, For shopping to much

81. Signed Edward up for therapy, For hearing voices in his head

82. Became a relationship therapist, Light bulb was upset because all the lamp had to do was screw in the light bulb

83. Threw a Frisbee, UFO's were sited

84. Became a cheerleader, And you wonder why it's so dangerous

85. Tried to explode the sun

86. Beat Michael Phelps record, Marco-Polo

87. Bought a llama

88. Went to Wal-Mart, Asked for walls

89. Went to K-Mart, Asked for K's

**A/N i love reviews and some of these are just because me and Savanaha were bored**


	4. Chapter 4

**as this list is always, its not meant to be mean just funny, and we're sorry if we affend anyone**

**Disclaimer: i wished for the copyright of twilight for my birthday, didnt get it, so i dont own twilight or any of its characters**

90. Went to Dillon's, Asked for dill pickles

91. Married Rosalie, Hello? Years of boredom

92. Tried to hold conversation with dummy, How do you think crash test dummies came to be?

93. Tried to talk in only one syllable words, Rosalie threatened to divorce him if he didn't stop

94. Sold Bella's diaries to Stephenie Meyer, They became the Twilight Saga

95. Tried out for Emmett in the Twilight movie, Didn't get the part

96. Wrote a list of 1,000 ways to get Edward mad, #1: sing 'Barbie Girl'

97. Made a one-man band, Deaf people loved him

98. Became sex-ed teacher, Didn't work, females wanted him too much

99. Bathed himself in tomato juice, And you wonder who Chef Boyardee is

100. Tried to smuggle sand into Mexico

101. Tried to smuggle a Mexican into Mexico

102. Became a stripper

103. Became a prostitute

104. Became a NFL star, Got kicked out for too many deaths

105. Read Dracula, Thought vampires had fangs

106. Went to a vampire movie, Yelled that they had all the facts wrong

107. Tried to open a strip club, In the school

108. Someone told him to go to hell, He tried and that's why it's so hot there

109. Tried to get himself sick

110. Tried to win a bet against Alice

111. Tried to wash soap

112. Tried to suffocate

113. Build a water bottle tower

114. Calculated his age in seconds

115. Tried to play soccer with a football

116. Tried to drown a goldfish

117. Tried to drown himself with air

118. Tried to start a fire with gum wrappers

119. Tried to be emo

**A/N i have to clean my room so who knows when i'll update again, but i will try to update the other 3 fanfictions of mine**

**please reveiw and i will not send the ninja monkeys after you, if you dont then you might wanna get ready for the ninjas monkeys**


	5. Chapter 5

**i know that i sould have said this on chapter one, but im related to jewish people so i didnt mean to be offensive to them and i wasnt trying to make fun of the Holocost. but anywho i think that im done with the offensive jokes for now, but if they do offend you, me and Savanaha are sorry**

**Dislaimer: i dont own twilight but i do own blood flavoured Kool-Aid (you will never know if i do or not! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA)**

120. Made a theme song for himself

121. Made a dance for the theme song

122. Forgot he was a vampire and drank Kool-Aid

123. Tries to make blood flavored Kool-Aid

124. Forgot his name

125. Tried to learn the Macarena dance backwards

126. Forgot the alphabet

127. Forgot how to ride a bike

128. Sold car for gas money

129. Painted room with glow-in-the-dark paint

130. Stared at a can of orange juice, It said concentrate

131. Went out to the back yard, He wanted to see what was behind the glass wall

132. He cooked a turkey for 3 and a forth days, It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and he weighed 260 pounds

133. Looked into a box of Cheerios, yelled "Donut seeds"

134. Tried to come up with a list of words that rhyme with orange

135. Forced costume company to put warning on the costumes that said you can't fly, He tried to fly

136. Road a roller costar 43 times in a row, Motion sickness

137. Started collecting his dirty socks, You wonder how Rosalie stuffs her bra

138. Tried to impregnate himself

139. Tried to win a game of Connect Four in three moves

140. Ate a cake, There was a stripper in it

141. Ate lizard legs, Hence forth snakes

142. Estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to one ECP (Emmett Cullen's Punch)

143. Tried to divide by 0

144. Tried to win poker while having only a Joker, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green #4 UNO card

145. Tried to slam a revolving door

146. Tried to build Rome in a day

147. Tried to set fire to ant with a magnifying glass, At night

148. Tried to build an airplane with gunpowder and paper clips

149. Tried to eat a black-hole

**A/N the story behind some of these jokes from jokes that i read online, and then the whole theme song and dance was because my co-author said that was should make a theme song for the "Savannah twins" and then she made a dance to go with it. **

**sorry about not updating my other fan fictions but i got sick over the weekend and i also have writters block so i'll try to update soon**

**As always R&R and i have a new poll on my profile so check it out, and as always if you will review i will love you (but not as much as Twilight)**


	6. Chapter 6

**sorry that this took so long, but i have been sick, so i didnt feel like writing, and i have been taking the STUPID state assesments**

**Disclaimer: you should all know this by now, but for those of you who dont, i am not the AMAZING Stephenie Meyer, so i dont own Twilight, or anything else mentioned in this chapter, now i will go cry**

150. Became the Cullen family mascot

151. Painted himself green, And the Hulk was spotted

a thumb war with himself

153. Fought Batman and Darth Vader at the same time, Winner: Chuck Norris

154. Fought Chuck Norris, No one knows who won

155. Went to Candy Mountain, And Charlie lost his kidney how? **(A/N see Charlie the Unicorn on YouTube)**

156. Tried to find out how the orange slayed the rake **(A/N listen to the llama song)**

157. Asked Edward if a he/she could get itself pregnant

158. Tried to win a staring contest with the sun

159. Found Waldo, You wonder why he's missing

160. Kicked a horse in the chin, Hence forth giraffes

161. Gave a speeding ticket, To NASCAR drivers

162. Tried to make his feet dance

163. Saw a fork in Forks and screamed, It was too literal for him

164. Tried to get revenge on himself, He called himself collect

165. Had sex with Rosalie, Yelled his own name

166. Got a job as a paper boy, Halfway through he realized he was rich

167. Got into a fight with his family, They said that vampires are real

168. Failed gym

169. Sent his butt to collage, Without the pants

170. Tried on lip gloss at the store, He went with peach for his skin tone

171. Got hired at the M&M factory, Got fired for throwing away the W's

172. Tried to put a package of M&M's in alphabetical order

173. Collected gum from underneath tables, And the moon was created how?

174. Tried to use the toilet

175. Memorized the Doom song **(A/N you have to hear the Doom song IT'S AWESOME!!!)**

176. Used a sports bra as a sling shot

177. Can up with an ultimate game of Connect Four

178. Plots to destroy Earth on December 13th 2012 **(A/N for those of you who dont know, the worlds suppose to end December 12th 2012)**

179. Invented pudding cups

**A/N i have the next chapter of Alaska done, so i'll have it up really soon, so read and enjoy**

**And i would love to get some reviews**


	7. Chapter 7

**sorry it took so long for the update, but i was enjoying my summer, and i was away from savanaha (my co-author)**

**Disclaimer: i dont own twilight or anything else in this chapter, and i dont mean to be offensive to anyone**

180. He bought self-tanning lotion

181. Says that Colgate isn't good for you, He's that 1 dentist that never agrees with the others

182. Tried for a month to find a rhyme for month, orange, silver, and purple, None of those have a rhyme

183. Tried to lead a cow downstairs, A cow will only go upstairs

184. While living in Ireland, he found a 1,400 year old lump of cheese, It was still edible

185. Tried to breathe though his butt, He heard turtles could

186. Ate a horned lizard, It shot blood out of its eye

187. Tried to go fishing, He was at the Dead Sea

188. Tried to drown himself, Doesn't need to breathe

189. Went back in time to Biblical time and changed Jesus into a vampire, You wonder how he could walk on water

190. Told someone to make lemonade out of their car, They said it was a lemon

191. Asked Edward 'why he's there if he is dead', He saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

192 Eat an animal, It was a maggot

193. Ate some of Edward's favorite CD's, He thought that they were donuts

194. Went crazy, Saw Jacob in a Santa Clause outfit

195. Tried to open a strip club, He was in La Push

196. Went to school covered in glitter, It was a sunny day

197. Asked Edward why he had boobs, He was watching ravenclawLDS89 (a.k.a. M Squared) on YouTube **(their parodys are so funny, you have to watch them)**

198. Went crazy, He met the Savannaha twins (me and my co-author)

199. Did the hula dance in a hula skirt and coconut bra, He had to show Alice how it was done

200. Went on a killing spree, McDonalds wouldn't let him get a McChicken at 9:30am

201. Crawled across the street, The sign said don't walk

202. Bought a pet zebra, He named it Spot

203. He moved out of the Cullen house, He heard that 90% of all accidents happen at home

204. Wore Alice's new shoes, Almost was killed

205. Decided to set fire to the house, He wanted to watch it burn

206. Walked into a burning house, He thought that it was 'pretty'

207. Watched The Unborn, Thought he had a twin that was trying to kill him

208. Watched The Grudge, Thought that Kayako and Toshio were going to kill him

209. Tried to steal The Declaration of Independence, He watched National Treasure

**A/N i dont know why it took so long for me to write this, other than the fact that its summer and i wanted to enjoy it,**

**but anywho i wish that someone would review, and reviews make a happy author**


	8. Chapter 8

**sorry everyone...ok so the main reason i havent updated is because i forgot and then i had no insperation...but still i am sorry**

**Disclaimer: i dont own the rights to the twilight saga...though i own twilight and new moon dvd, **

**all the books, **

**the soundtrack for twilight, new moon, and eclipse,**

**the illustrated guide for all three**

**and a bunch of other stuff  
**

210. Punched a guy, Neil Armstrong landed on the moon how?

211. Sold computer, To pay for internet

212. Thought Tuesday was spelled Teusday, He watched porn too much **(A/N i dont watch porn, i saw it on one of the many fail blogs)**

213. Thought Freddy Kruger was coming to get him, Saw Nightmare on Elm Street

214. Thought Jason was after him, Went to Camp Crystal Lake

215. Thought he was gonna die in 7 days, He watched The Ring

216. Failed Photography, Thought he didn't need fixer cause the photo wasn't broken

217. Thought he was going to hell, Alice was singing "Gives you Hell"

218. Thought Jacob was the boss, Jacob was singing "Like a Boss"

219. Got confused, Listened to "I'm on a Boat" on land

220. Thought an army of newborns were after him, He read Eclipse

221. Loss chess, He thought it was like checkers

222. Forget his password, It was "password"

223. Tried to calculate the area of a bottomless pit, He's still trying

224. Thought Nessie was evil, She is named after the Loch Ness Monster

225. Thought Bella was Italian, "Her name is Bella"

226. Thought Santa was a vamp, iSanta said he likes blood, the darker the better

227. Tried to join LivCrayola, He wasn't a girl

228. He became the boss, Thought he was gonna die everyday

229. Wouldn't talk to anyone at school, "Stranger Danger"

230. Tried to figure out Twi-math, Lion + Lamb = Loch Ness Monster

231. Thought a lighter was magic, It shot out flames

232. Told Rosalie she was ugly on a dare, They had to move due to house damages

233. Sneaked into prison, He got bored

234. Thought a tiger was a lion, He was on yousuckatcraigslist to much

235. Misspelled of, "Its ov right?"

236. Asked Molly McDuffie if she was an Oompa Lumpa, She was so orange

237. Thought he was a girl, He had man boobs

238. Bought a man purse, "It's a satchel"

239. Painted bears, Care Bears?

**A/N i know how upset everyone is that i didnt update for like a year but i would still love some reviews**


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